Ryan Kalil did his best to break the internet on Monday morning, releasing a shot-for-shot parody of Cam Newton’s birthday video filmed at an annual fishing trip that only Carolina Panthers tight ends and offensive linemen (plus Luke Kuechly, because who doesn’t want to invite Luke on every trip? I know my wife does) are allowed to attend. While Kalil admitted to Panthers.com Bill Voth that he had recorded the entire video on an iPhone and it was a “last minute thing”, it is clear that a lot of work and thought went into shooting this masterpiece, and we believe that the same amount of work and thought should be put into the analysis.
Costa Rica vs. Lake Toxaway
Don’t get me wrong. That cabin on the lake looks really nice, and The Blind Mule at Toxaway Station has “an electic and ever-changing assortment of farm to table gourmet fare,” but that chateau in Costa Rica looks unbelievable. That infinity pool, the columns, the manicured hedges all add up to a victory for Cam’ron. That villa is Cam Newton, and the lake house is Derek Anderson. We all love DA, but let’s not get crazy.
ADVANTAGE: 
Cam vs. Luke
The next battle features Cam Newton wearing his signature Pharrell Williams hat and smoking a cigar while looking out over a beautiful vista, a solitary man celebrating his 28th birthday. In the opposing corner, we have Charlotte’s sweetheart Luke Kuechly wearing a black cowboy hat smoking what is either an electronic or 100-length cigarette looking over Lake Toxaway. While we all are keen on Luke dressing like Johnny Cash and making us think that Kalil had talked coach Ron Rivera (we know he enjoys being in boats on rivers) into making a cameo, the first round has to go to Cam. HIS SHIRT LOOKS LIKE MULTIPLE SCREEN SHOTS OF TETRIS BUT IN DIFFERENT COLOR SCHEMES.
ADVANTAGE:
All I Want For My Birthday Is A……
While Cam’s hat (is that a different Pharrell hat? How many does he bring with him to Costa Rica?) outduels Greg Olsen’s more-lake-appropriate fishing headgear, you know Norwell dancing around a fire is going to win every time.
ADVANTAGE: 
DIVING CLUB
Wow. While the form on Cam’s dive is Scott Robertson-esque, the Norwell belly flop produces a splash the size of Bank Of America Stadium.
ADVANTAGE:
Artistic Decisions
This is my favorite shot in the entire opus. At the beginning of the above GIF, you see that director extraordinaire Kalil has heretofore been trying his best to recreate Cam’s birthday video shot-for-shot, but when Cam gives him dark shapes, he claps back with a FULL ROASTED PIG. Did they catch and roast that pig themselves? Who carved it? IS ED DICKSON THERE? THESE ARE THE THINGS I NEED TO KNOW. I cannot wait for my first Ryan Kalil interview, I’ve already got my first question ready.
ADVANTAGE:
ATVs vs. Trucks
It’s actually quite surprising that they don’t have ATVs at the Lake Toxaway cabin, but I am not surprised that most of the offensive linemen and tight end group drive pickups. This is a tossup: the straight-on shot of Cam throwing up the threes makes me wish I was living that life, and Kalil cuts away too quickly. Directorial choices really hurt the lineman, and this round should probably go to Cam, but I am not a fan of ATVs. They seem scary. Have you ever driven a pickup through the woods on a dirt road? FUN.
ADVANTAGE:
Volleyball vs. Basketball
First of all, that’s a carry. This isn’t the Euro League, bruh, you’ve got to put that ball on the ground. The block and subsequent strut seem extremely staged, and while I don’t have a problem with some choreography, that looks like a real volleyball play. Spiking a volleyball is much more satisfying than a stern block, especially when they’re coming at you with a layup like Scott Howard before he turns into Teen Wolf.
ADVANTAGE:
THE FINAL DIVE
OK, first of all, I think Cam might have been able to do that backflip without the help. Let’s just put that out there. The Hog Molly version is way more hilarious, with both fat guys appearing to wear a belt (the only way to swim in a lake if you ask me), but they missed an opportunity by not having this be a Kalil tossing another Kalil into the water. WHY EVEN SIGN TWO BROTHERS IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT? Plus, Newton’s camera clearly goes underwater, which is the sign of a professionally shot motion picture and come on, look at that beautiful smile on our quarterback. That’s how you can tell someone is truly happy.
ADVANTAGE:
So. After an extremely spirited breakdown, analysis, and battle, the two titans of film end up tied. The real winners: Panthers fans. Or people that enjoy watching Tyler Larsen jumping into a lake. Or 2Chainz. Or silly hats. Or seeing a former NFL defensive player of the year shoot a layup like he’s an extra on Saved By The Bell.
WINNER:
Congrats Ryan!
